this hurts so much

so tyler and i had another fight tonight. it all started when he forwarded me a convo he had on aim with this girl abbie. in it, he said that thanksgiving was "alright" and that he still "really liked me" and then also told her that we'd had some rough spots. i got a little upset over this because thanksgiving was not alright, it was wonderful. and he doesn't really like me, he loves me (i thought??). and i don't think he should be telling girls who have wanted to sleep with him for over six years that we have rough spots because it gives them hope that we'll break up and/or the balls to go for it thinking he'd welcome the attention.

so anyway, it of course escalated into him telling me that when i put up away messages that are mushy about him or facebook messages about him that he gets embarassed. which of course really hurt cause he shouldn't be embarassed by us.

so now i'm just confused and really hurt. and i deleted most of the old/mushy messages from his wall. which really hurt because those were special to me. but of course, it can't hurt any worse than knowing they were meaningless to him.

i guess the question comes down to this: is he embarassed because he doesn't see this as something he wants to do for a long time? so he's keeping us out of the public sphere to keep his options open? or is he embarassed because its not manly enough to be mushy? but why does it have to be unmanly? especially since everyone out there is looking for love. everyone wants what we have. except him.

if he really does love me, shouldn't he be ecstatic and "yelling it from the roof tops"? why does he hide it?

and it does really bother me the way he talks to abbie. and julie for that matter. julie who he cheated on his last girlfriend with. and abbie who would have sex with him in a nanosecond.

and i don't understand why its not ok for me to be upset by stuff like this especially when it involves one of those girls.

and when he acts like this, it makes me think about my own feelings. and i wonder, am i pushing this because i actually love him? or do i just want to love him?

i think i really do love him because i've never felt like this before with anyone. but at the same time, how long can love survive when its always being questioned?

when i deleted those messages it was like ripping my heart out. and i know that sounds stupid since its just facebook. but its not just facebook to me. those messages were my feelings, written "out loud" (so to speak) for the world to see because i truly feel that way. and now that they're gone, i wonder if people will know something is wrong.

he gets upset because he thinks i don't like who he is (i.e. don't like the fact that he doesn't write mushy, sappy messages. but now i feel like he doesn't like who i am. and the fact that i write mussy, sappy messages.

i mean, everyone i meet tells me how lucky we are to have found each other. and how lucky he is to have found a "great" girl. and i know that even if people were to tease him about his girlfriend's messages, its really just jealousy. who wouldn't want someone to love them so completely? no one. thats who.

so then why is the one person who is getting the attention so desired by everyone else the only one who doesn't want it? and why is he so afraid to let people know how he feels about me?

i mean there was a time when he seemed proud of our relationship. he had pictures of him and i up on his facebook page and stuff like that... but now he has a picture of a burning car.

i just feel so out of control of this relationship.