carla's message :(

why does it seem that things haven't really changed?

you told me throughout our relationship what you didn't like about me as a gf. drinking to be one huge reason. the ass grabbing...my apologies. other reasons? i wouldn't know. you can't fucking tell me bc well, you "just don't know," right? do you ever fucking know? i don't think you want to really know anything about how you are. you need to do some soul searching for your own good. i now know that i didn't really know you. you kept yourself from me. you keep yourself from yourself. i so dearly wanted to know you.

in her, i see a girl who loves the Lord and has a good heart and likes to make people feel loved and appreciated. yet, she likes to have her beer/liquor also. not to toot my own horn but where is the fucking difference between us? huh? are you going to pull the same shit on her a year or so down the road, too?

this rejection and replacement with a similar person just kills me inside. oh, do you now know why she's different? have you thought of something now that i've said it? is she different other than from a superficial point of view?

i hate myself for hurting you so. i never meant to hurt you. i'm sorry i was so flirty with other guys while i was with you. i'm sorry i didn't listen to you the way you needed me to listen. i hate how things didn't work out the way i wanted them to. i really wanted them to work out.
i just hope that if i couldn't be some one to open your mind to an idea of God, that maybe she can. i pray for that. i want you happy. happier than what you think happy is right now. i should be happy for you bc she is what you want right now.

i want to stop loving you the way i do. i do want things to be good between us. i don't know if that will be. probably not. i know you don't want to see me. i don't think i want to see you. i'm scared of being reminded of how much i loved you. i know once i give you your lcd's we won't talk or see each other. it's hard to let go of the thought that i'll never be around you again. i pray you forgive me for hurting you. i won't do those things again to you or any other. i pray God helps heal me quickly. i pray that God makes me a better person. i pray for strength to get through this. i pray that now i can surrender all to God. i did let you hold me back from God. maybe that's why we are over...

...so why do you hate God? the idea of a God? remember that last converstaion where you said you'd be honest with me? fucking face yourself

ok... so. this is a message carla sent tyler... since it refers to me, he shared it. i was really confused as to how she knew about me to this extent... then i realized that she must have found me on myspace and checked out my facebook profile. and she probably looked at my webshots as well... its interesting to see the kind of idea that people get when they don't know me and just read my profiles.

some of the things she says here are worth thinking about. tyler does have a way of not answering a question. and "i dunno" does seem to be a pretty standard response. but i feel like this is a foreign service kid thing. i know i do it too. basically, life has shown us not to put ourselves too far out there too quickly. we may come off reserved in new situations but really we're just hanging back, observing so that we can understand the situation fully.

i don't know whats going on with us yet anyway...

on the one hand, i really don't want another relationship. the one with bobby was too painful and stressful.

but on the other hand, tyler really is everything i was looking for. and while the distance would be hard... its not like its unusual for us to be away from each other... thats what our lives were made up of. so yea.

i'm so confused.